When I sin

and my curiosity leads me to lurk other people's facebook profiles, i end up getting jealous and envious of people who are attending great universities.

i end up getting angry with myself and my past. i feel stuck, unable to move on... all the time spent moving away from my past seems so short, and the pain is still fresh and open.

my worst fear is that because of my sinfulness and rebellion, God has given up on leading my life and filling it with purpose. This is not true. The bible says that “Everything is possible for him who believes.” Mark 9:23 and “Be patient and you will finally win, for a soft tongue can break hard bones.” (Proverbs 28:13)

and most importantly, my favorite bible quote, “I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ”(Jeremiah 29:11)

so why do i feel like God hasn't forgiven my past sins? "Who is a God like you, who pardons sin and forgives the transgression of the remnant of his inheritance? You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy. You will again have compassion on us; you will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea." (Micah 7:18-19)

my lack of faith and consistent laziness is weighing me down and causing me to doubt God.

my weapon is the Bible, and i must tell my soul to shut up and preach to its skepticisms.

Faith without deeds is dead (James 2:14-17).

Ever since I could remember, i've always known the church. i used to go to Sunday service with my mom, taking the bus, or driving, or walking, in my polished shoes and flower printed, ruffled, laced dress. I remembered feeling lonely in the church, because I had no friends, or didn't know how much God loved me. So i remember going on this retreat. I made one friend on the bus... and i felt so loved, cherished and protected. Praise God! i was prayed for and felt this wonder of God's love and protection over me. This one activity, where i wrote down all of my faults and worries on a piece of paper, stayed with me even to this day... because I remember keeping this paper to myself... and throwing it into a huge camp fire. Seeing the sparks rising up to the sky and vanishing was so cathartic and i felt the peace of God's hand on my heart. this feeling, through my sin of staying away from the gospel, didn't last long.

Later I would realize that i tried filling this hole in my spirit that only God could reach.

Now I'm 20. where have the years gone? and how fast will my body be returned to the ground?

My heart is beating without rest, and sooner or later, it's going to stop.

I'm scared that I have nothing to show to God. With all of the blessings He has given me and gifts He equipped me with, I have not shown Him the glory that He deserves. i am awed by His mercy and patience with my soul. i deserve nothing, yet He continues to give and provide.

May He shape me into the person that will carry out His will.

I am a big disappointment.

I'm lazy, selfish, scared to try and i'm unforgiving.

When will i live for God's love? He's the one who set me free from my sins and came to me when i was so burdened with the effects of my sins and others. When will His will burden my heart and when will i surrender?

am i an instrument that is too scared to join His song? what if i break, or am overplayed or i don't sound right? all of these questions of what if's tire me out more than getting only a few hours of sleep.

i am such a terrible sinner, who deserves hell. but the fact that i am still breathing... that i'm healthy and that i have good foundation from my parents hard work that i'm here doing what i want when the time spent should be dedicated to bringing glory to God.

i hope that i can start changing in time, before it's too late.

what will i say in front of His presence? when His eyes burn into my soul and i stand there totally guilty and dependent of His mercy and Christ's knowledge of His relationship with me.

i hope that God know's what He is doing. the waves are crashing down on my family and i, one after another... with short intervals in between and it's weighing me down.

i'm not as strong or smart as i want to be nor am i pretty or skinny. i'm broke, lonely and caught between my parents.

why is this happening now? what is His plan?

i feel like the whole world might come crashing down... and a part of me wishes it would...

the painful thing is that the world keeps going... unaffected by this huge gash in my heart.

what am i to do? how am i going to deal with this...

May God's will be done and may He be glorified when i'm down and on my knees.

Sunday night

After my mom spent the afternoon and evening cooking and serving my dad's side of the family, my dad got into this episode of rage. I was resting on the couch, while my dad was watching tv, and my mother doing household errands when my mom asked a question that I thought was just an innocent question, but my dad went wild with rage. He started to scream and breathe sharp breaths in between his teeth.

I couldn't believe he was ruining a lovely meal with his anger. I couldn't believe that my dad was sticking up for his friend than his own wife, his helper. I couldn't recognize him when he was like this, but when this happens, I become a little girl again; i become helpless, scarred, and t the mercy of my father's conscience. He kept going at her with his words, as if she was some kind of toy, as if she didn't have a heart or feelings. He threw the rice maker on the floor, along with a dish and several keys.

Why is he doing this? Why must he express his anger this way? Why does he keep upsetting my mother?

I don't want to make my father the bad person. There's probably a whole other story that I wasn't paying attention to... or will ever find out.

All i know is that my mother took every word, didn't do anything to stop him.

Now, my dad has released all of the rage and is sitting in front of the television. The argument finished as fast as it started.

My dad kept telling my mom that it's her fault that these fights mess up the kid (me). But my dad is the one who isn't letting go of the misunderstanding. he keeps asking the same question over and over again. As if the more he asks, the more suitable the same answer will be. I'm drained, of tears and of respect. A little after the fight ended, my dad asked me to make him some tea. This made me feel so disgusted at him. I usually make him tea when he comes home from work, or after he eats... the least I could do when he worked his butt off for me. But after this fight, after he made himself look like an unpredictable, immature, monster, he asks for tea as if he did something right... as if he needs to be comforted... when he's the one who is approaching, he's the one who is raising his voice, he's the one who is throwing his words out like blades.

I am still hopeful in the Lord. I thank God that this fight didn't involve physical force. That i was able to hold back both parties from doing something they would have regretted.

I don't want to go to school tomorrow, but at the same time I want to get out of this numbing home. What i thought was a safe haven is really a four walled place... of no meaning.

I thank God for reminding me and motivating me to be urgent with my time.

I just had to get this out of my mind.

Tomorrow will be better. God's grace will sustain me for whatever He has in store for me.

May I continue to revere Jesus Christ as my most precious treasure.

Sunday

I volunteered at my church's nursery with a friend. Without her desire of wanting to serve, it would probably have taken me a while before I brought myself to do it... with all of the deadlines and school work I have to complete. But it was a wonderful first experience to serve and be so trusted with the children. At first, I felt a little awkward, I had to adjust to the crazy, bouncing, crying, laughing, eating, sliding in the room. I kept an eye out for the young girl who is too shy to move. I was that girl once. I took her by the hand and talked to her for a little bit, asking her for her name, complimenting her cute shirt and then, I took her by the hand. There were other girls that looked about her age or a little younger, and I wanted her to meet them. But she refused, nodding her head from left to right. I tried leading her by the hand, and she didn't move. And then I thought, "hey, if that was you...would you feel comfortable approaching someone you didn't know?" and i understood that with a some support and Christ's love, i could help her get adjusted to the environment. I told her that I'll be right by her side when she made this huge decision of moving a couple of steps into the room to meet some new friends. And guess what? She followed! What an amazing feeling of joy and comfort knowing that God has revealed this moment for me to cherish what he has done and will continue to do in my life. I am like this little girl. I am scarred to move, to take chances, to meet new people, and to leave the place that I am so comfortable not doing anything in. But God knows me and has plans for me, and those things are ultimately to help mold and shape me into the person that He wants me to be. He is always with me(Isaiah 41:10, "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you;I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.")

May this promise remind me in every moment of your love for me, so that I will not remain enslaved by my sinful rebelliousness. I will trust in the LORD!

I still get angry when things don't go perfectly. When the clothes that I picked out don't fit, when a relaxing evening with family is ruined by an argument, when a loved one disappoints me. I often take my blessings for granted and wish that my parents made more money, that they would have done a better job at raising me.

But the hurt that comes with these questions, leads my heart to search for the one being who can answer them, which is God. It makes me hunger for justice, truth, honor, love and maturity. If it weren't for these unique experiences, I'd probably have wandered into a troubling relationship with an abusive boyfriend or in jail somewhere imprisoned by hatred. I'm awed at how much God has blessed me and continues to bless me even though I rebel and run away from His love and his promises. I am stunned at His grace, patience and gentleness towards what I'm going through and how he steers me to meet or come across certain people who can empathize and most importantly love me despite my adversity.

I hated the imperfection of my life, but God has showed me to be grateful for it. Because my imperfection is so definite, I hunger for God to make me perfect by adopting me into His chosen family through the blood of Jesus Christ.