When I sin

and my curiosity leads me to lurk other people's facebook profiles, i end up getting jealous and envious of people who are attending great universities.

i end up getting angry with myself and my past. i feel stuck, unable to move on... all the time spent moving away from my past seems so short, and the pain is still fresh and open.

my worst fear is that because of my sinfulness and rebellion, God has given up on leading my life and filling it with purpose. This is not true. The bible says that “Everything is possible for him who believes.” Mark 9:23 and “Be patient and you will finally win, for a soft tongue can break hard bones.” (Proverbs 28:13)

and most importantly, my favorite bible quote, “I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ”(Jeremiah 29:11)

so why do i feel like God hasn't forgiven my past sins? "Who is a God like you, who pardons sin and forgives the transgression of the remnant of his inheritance? You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy. You will again have compassion on us; you will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea." (Micah 7:18-19)

my lack of faith and consistent laziness is weighing me down and causing me to doubt God.

my weapon is the Bible, and i must tell my soul to shut up and preach to its skepticisms.

Faith without deeds is dead (James 2:14-17).

Ever since I could remember, i've always known the church. i used to go to Sunday service with my mom, taking the bus, or driving, or walking, in my polished shoes and flower printed, ruffled, laced dress. I remembered feeling lonely in the church, because I had no friends, or didn't know how much God loved me. So i remember going on this retreat. I made one friend on the bus... and i felt so loved, cherished and protected. Praise God! i was prayed for and felt this wonder of God's love and protection over me. This one activity, where i wrote down all of my faults and worries on a piece of paper, stayed with me even to this day... because I remember keeping this paper to myself... and throwing it into a huge camp fire. Seeing the sparks rising up to the sky and vanishing was so cathartic and i felt the peace of God's hand on my heart. this feeling, through my sin of staying away from the gospel, didn't last long.

Later I would realize that i tried filling this hole in my spirit that only God could reach.

Now I'm 20. where have the years gone? and how fast will my body be returned to the ground?

My heart is beating without rest, and sooner or later, it's going to stop.

I'm scared that I have nothing to show to God. With all of the blessings He has given me and gifts He equipped me with, I have not shown Him the glory that He deserves. i am awed by His mercy and patience with my soul. i deserve nothing, yet He continues to give and provide.

May He shape me into the person that will carry out His will.

I am a big disappointment.

I'm lazy, selfish, scared to try and i'm unforgiving.

When will i live for God's love? He's the one who set me free from my sins and came to me when i was so burdened with the effects of my sins and others. When will His will burden my heart and when will i surrender?

am i an instrument that is too scared to join His song? what if i break, or am overplayed or i don't sound right? all of these questions of what if's tire me out more than getting only a few hours of sleep.

i am such a terrible sinner, who deserves hell. but the fact that i am still breathing... that i'm healthy and that i have good foundation from my parents hard work that i'm here doing what i want when the time spent should be dedicated to bringing glory to God.

i hope that i can start changing in time, before it's too late.

what will i say in front of His presence? when His eyes burn into my soul and i stand there totally guilty and dependent of His mercy and Christ's knowledge of His relationship with me.

i hope that God know's what He is doing. the waves are crashing down on my family and i, one after another... with short intervals in between and it's weighing me down.

i'm not as strong or smart as i want to be nor am i pretty or skinny. i'm broke, lonely and caught between my parents.

why is this happening now? what is His plan?

i feel like the whole world might come crashing down... and a part of me wishes it would...

the painful thing is that the world keeps going... unaffected by this huge gash in my heart.

what am i to do? how am i going to deal with this...

May God's will be done and may He be glorified when i'm down and on my knees.