Sunday night

After my mom spent the afternoon and evening cooking and serving my dad's side of the family, my dad got into this episode of rage. I was resting on the couch, while my dad was watching tv, and my mother doing household errands when my mom asked a question that I thought was just an innocent question, but my dad went wild with rage. He started to scream and breathe sharp breaths in between his teeth.

I couldn't believe he was ruining a lovely meal with his anger. I couldn't believe that my dad was sticking up for his friend than his own wife, his helper. I couldn't recognize him when he was like this, but when this happens, I become a little girl again; i become helpless, scarred, and t the mercy of my father's conscience. He kept going at her with his words, as if she was some kind of toy, as if she didn't have a heart or feelings. He threw the rice maker on the floor, along with a dish and several keys.

Why is he doing this? Why must he express his anger this way? Why does he keep upsetting my mother?

I don't want to make my father the bad person. There's probably a whole other story that I wasn't paying attention to... or will ever find out.

All i know is that my mother took every word, didn't do anything to stop him.

Now, my dad has released all of the rage and is sitting in front of the television. The argument finished as fast as it started.

My dad kept telling my mom that it's her fault that these fights mess up the kid (me). But my dad is the one who isn't letting go of the misunderstanding. he keeps asking the same question over and over again. As if the more he asks, the more suitable the same answer will be. I'm drained, of tears and of respect. A little after the fight ended, my dad asked me to make him some tea. This made me feel so disgusted at him. I usually make him tea when he comes home from work, or after he eats... the least I could do when he worked his butt off for me. But after this fight, after he made himself look like an unpredictable, immature, monster, he asks for tea as if he did something right... as if he needs to be comforted... when he's the one who is approaching, he's the one who is raising his voice, he's the one who is throwing his words out like blades.

I am still hopeful in the Lord. I thank God that this fight didn't involve physical force. That i was able to hold back both parties from doing something they would have regretted.

I don't want to go to school tomorrow, but at the same time I want to get out of this numbing home. What i thought was a safe haven is really a four walled place... of no meaning.

I thank God for reminding me and motivating me to be urgent with my time.

I just had to get this out of my mind.

Tomorrow will be better. God's grace will sustain me for whatever He has in store for me.

May I continue to revere Jesus Christ as my most precious treasure.

Sunday

I volunteered at my church's nursery with a friend. Without her desire of wanting to serve, it would probably have taken me a while before I brought myself to do it... with all of the deadlines and school work I have to complete. But it was a wonderful first experience to serve and be so trusted with the children. At first, I felt a little awkward, I had to adjust to the crazy, bouncing, crying, laughing, eating, sliding in the room. I kept an eye out for the young girl who is too shy to move. I was that girl once. I took her by the hand and talked to her for a little bit, asking her for her name, complimenting her cute shirt and then, I took her by the hand. There were other girls that looked about her age or a little younger, and I wanted her to meet them. But she refused, nodding her head from left to right. I tried leading her by the hand, and she didn't move. And then I thought, "hey, if that was you...would you feel comfortable approaching someone you didn't know?" and i understood that with a some support and Christ's love, i could help her get adjusted to the environment. I told her that I'll be right by her side when she made this huge decision of moving a couple of steps into the room to meet some new friends. And guess what? She followed! What an amazing feeling of joy and comfort knowing that God has revealed this moment for me to cherish what he has done and will continue to do in my life. I am like this little girl. I am scarred to move, to take chances, to meet new people, and to leave the place that I am so comfortable not doing anything in. But God knows me and has plans for me, and those things are ultimately to help mold and shape me into the person that He wants me to be. He is always with me(Isaiah 41:10, "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you;I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.")

May this promise remind me in every moment of your love for me, so that I will not remain enslaved by my sinful rebelliousness. I will trust in the LORD!

I still get angry when things don't go perfectly. When the clothes that I picked out don't fit, when a relaxing evening with family is ruined by an argument, when a loved one disappoints me. I often take my blessings for granted and wish that my parents made more money, that they would have done a better job at raising me.

But the hurt that comes with these questions, leads my heart to search for the one being who can answer them, which is God. It makes me hunger for justice, truth, honor, love and maturity. If it weren't for these unique experiences, I'd probably have wandered into a troubling relationship with an abusive boyfriend or in jail somewhere imprisoned by hatred. I'm awed at how much God has blessed me and continues to bless me even though I rebel and run away from His love and his promises. I am stunned at His grace, patience and gentleness towards what I'm going through and how he steers me to meet or come across certain people who can empathize and most importantly love me despite my adversity.

I hated the imperfection of my life, but God has showed me to be grateful for it. Because my imperfection is so definite, I hunger for God to make me perfect by adopting me into His chosen family through the blood of Jesus Christ.