When I sin

and my curiosity leads me to lurk other people's facebook profiles, i end up getting jealous and envious of people who are attending great universities.

i end up getting angry with myself and my past. i feel stuck, unable to move on... all the time spent moving away from my past seems so short, and the pain is still fresh and open.

my worst fear is that because of my sinfulness and rebellion, God has given up on leading my life and filling it with purpose. This is not true. The bible says that “Everything is possible for him who believes.” Mark 9:23 and “Be patient and you will finally win, for a soft tongue can break hard bones.” (Proverbs 28:13)

and most importantly, my favorite bible quote, “I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ”(Jeremiah 29:11)

so why do i feel like God hasn't forgiven my past sins? "Who is a God like you, who pardons sin and forgives the transgression of the remnant of his inheritance? You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy. You will again have compassion on us; you will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea." (Micah 7:18-19)

my lack of faith and consistent laziness is weighing me down and causing me to doubt God.

my weapon is the Bible, and i must tell my soul to shut up and preach to its skepticisms.

Faith without deeds is dead (James 2:14-17).

Ever since I could remember, i've always known the church. i used to go to Sunday service with my mom, taking the bus, or driving, or walking, in my polished shoes and flower printed, ruffled, laced dress. I remembered feeling lonely in the church, because I had no friends, or didn't know how much God loved me. So i remember going on this retreat. I made one friend on the bus... and i felt so loved, cherished and protected. Praise God! i was prayed for and felt this wonder of God's love and protection over me. This one activity, where i wrote down all of my faults and worries on a piece of paper, stayed with me even to this day... because I remember keeping this paper to myself... and throwing it into a huge camp fire. Seeing the sparks rising up to the sky and vanishing was so cathartic and i felt the peace of God's hand on my heart. this feeling, through my sin of staying away from the gospel, didn't last long.

Later I would realize that i tried filling this hole in my spirit that only God could reach.

Now I'm 20. where have the years gone? and how fast will my body be returned to the ground?

My heart is beating without rest, and sooner or later, it's going to stop.

I'm scared that I have nothing to show to God. With all of the blessings He has given me and gifts He equipped me with, I have not shown Him the glory that He deserves. i am awed by His mercy and patience with my soul. i deserve nothing, yet He continues to give and provide.

May He shape me into the person that will carry out His will.

I am a big disappointment.

I'm lazy, selfish, scared to try and i'm unforgiving.

When will i live for God's love? He's the one who set me free from my sins and came to me when i was so burdened with the effects of my sins and others. When will His will burden my heart and when will i surrender?

am i an instrument that is too scared to join His song? what if i break, or am overplayed or i don't sound right? all of these questions of what if's tire me out more than getting only a few hours of sleep.

i am such a terrible sinner, who deserves hell. but the fact that i am still breathing... that i'm healthy and that i have good foundation from my parents hard work that i'm here doing what i want when the time spent should be dedicated to bringing glory to God.

i hope that i can start changing in time, before it's too late.

what will i say in front of His presence? when His eyes burn into my soul and i stand there totally guilty and dependent of His mercy and Christ's knowledge of His relationship with me.

i hope that God know's what He is doing. the waves are crashing down on my family and i, one after another... with short intervals in between and it's weighing me down.

i'm not as strong or smart as i want to be nor am i pretty or skinny. i'm broke, lonely and caught between my parents.

why is this happening now? what is His plan?

i feel like the whole world might come crashing down... and a part of me wishes it would...

the painful thing is that the world keeps going... unaffected by this huge gash in my heart.

what am i to do? how am i going to deal with this...

May God's will be done and may He be glorified when i'm down and on my knees.

Sunday night

After my mom spent the afternoon and evening cooking and serving my dad's side of the family, my dad got into this episode of rage. I was resting on the couch, while my dad was watching tv, and my mother doing household errands when my mom asked a question that I thought was just an innocent question, but my dad went wild with rage. He started to scream and breathe sharp breaths in between his teeth.

I couldn't believe he was ruining a lovely meal with his anger. I couldn't believe that my dad was sticking up for his friend than his own wife, his helper. I couldn't recognize him when he was like this, but when this happens, I become a little girl again; i become helpless, scarred, and t the mercy of my father's conscience. He kept going at her with his words, as if she was some kind of toy, as if she didn't have a heart or feelings. He threw the rice maker on the floor, along with a dish and several keys.

Why is he doing this? Why must he express his anger this way? Why does he keep upsetting my mother?

I don't want to make my father the bad person. There's probably a whole other story that I wasn't paying attention to... or will ever find out.

All i know is that my mother took every word, didn't do anything to stop him.

Now, my dad has released all of the rage and is sitting in front of the television. The argument finished as fast as it started.

My dad kept telling my mom that it's her fault that these fights mess up the kid (me). But my dad is the one who isn't letting go of the misunderstanding. he keeps asking the same question over and over again. As if the more he asks, the more suitable the same answer will be. I'm drained, of tears and of respect. A little after the fight ended, my dad asked me to make him some tea. This made me feel so disgusted at him. I usually make him tea when he comes home from work, or after he eats... the least I could do when he worked his butt off for me. But after this fight, after he made himself look like an unpredictable, immature, monster, he asks for tea as if he did something right... as if he needs to be comforted... when he's the one who is approaching, he's the one who is raising his voice, he's the one who is throwing his words out like blades.

I am still hopeful in the Lord. I thank God that this fight didn't involve physical force. That i was able to hold back both parties from doing something they would have regretted.

I don't want to go to school tomorrow, but at the same time I want to get out of this numbing home. What i thought was a safe haven is really a four walled place... of no meaning.

I thank God for reminding me and motivating me to be urgent with my time.

I just had to get this out of my mind.

Tomorrow will be better. God's grace will sustain me for whatever He has in store for me.

May I continue to revere Jesus Christ as my most precious treasure.

Sunday

I volunteered at my church's nursery with a friend. Without her desire of wanting to serve, it would probably have taken me a while before I brought myself to do it... with all of the deadlines and school work I have to complete. But it was a wonderful first experience to serve and be so trusted with the children. At first, I felt a little awkward, I had to adjust to the crazy, bouncing, crying, laughing, eating, sliding in the room. I kept an eye out for the young girl who is too shy to move. I was that girl once. I took her by the hand and talked to her for a little bit, asking her for her name, complimenting her cute shirt and then, I took her by the hand. There were other girls that looked about her age or a little younger, and I wanted her to meet them. But she refused, nodding her head from left to right. I tried leading her by the hand, and she didn't move. And then I thought, "hey, if that was you...would you feel comfortable approaching someone you didn't know?" and i understood that with a some support and Christ's love, i could help her get adjusted to the environment. I told her that I'll be right by her side when she made this huge decision of moving a couple of steps into the room to meet some new friends. And guess what? She followed! What an amazing feeling of joy and comfort knowing that God has revealed this moment for me to cherish what he has done and will continue to do in my life. I am like this little girl. I am scarred to move, to take chances, to meet new people, and to leave the place that I am so comfortable not doing anything in. But God knows me and has plans for me, and those things are ultimately to help mold and shape me into the person that He wants me to be. He is always with me(Isaiah 41:10, "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you;I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.")

May this promise remind me in every moment of your love for me, so that I will not remain enslaved by my sinful rebelliousness. I will trust in the LORD!

I still get angry when things don't go perfectly. When the clothes that I picked out don't fit, when a relaxing evening with family is ruined by an argument, when a loved one disappoints me. I often take my blessings for granted and wish that my parents made more money, that they would have done a better job at raising me.

But the hurt that comes with these questions, leads my heart to search for the one being who can answer them, which is God. It makes me hunger for justice, truth, honor, love and maturity. If it weren't for these unique experiences, I'd probably have wandered into a troubling relationship with an abusive boyfriend or in jail somewhere imprisoned by hatred. I'm awed at how much God has blessed me and continues to bless me even though I rebel and run away from His love and his promises. I am stunned at His grace, patience and gentleness towards what I'm going through and how he steers me to meet or come across certain people who can empathize and most importantly love me despite my adversity.

I hated the imperfection of my life, but God has showed me to be grateful for it. Because my imperfection is so definite, I hunger for God to make me perfect by adopting me into His chosen family through the blood of Jesus Christ.

it's 2011

what's my next step?

God wants great things for me and for my life to be filled with purpose and meaning, but i still don't have a major in mind and i have no sense of direction.

i'm scared of commitment and having the responsibility of paying for loans/ of something going wrong.

i pray that God will lift these worries from my heart and bring me to a state of peace and clear mindedness.

what do i do but continue to move foward with the love that God offers to me, every second.

I started reading the One year Bible (o.y.b) today.

I have a feeling and hope that this year, 2011, will be a year full of the wonderful discoveries of how much God loves me.

this awakening was mainly due to God's grace and love; and it was also due to a book written by one of His children. it's called 'Embracing the love of God by James Bryan Smith. I'm on pg.97 and i've learned so much.

While I was reading the o.y.b, i realized that right after God created adam, "the LORD God planted all sorts of trees in the garden--beautiful trees that produced delicious fruit."

then

"the LORD God said, "it is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a companion who will help him."

God wanted to shower man and woman with His Love even before they deserved it or even asked for it. He just wanted and still continues to want what's good for us, and that is to know Him and seek fellowship with Him through His Son, Jesus.

embracing the Love of God by james bryan smit

embracing the Love of God by james bryan smith

(Parting with Guilt, pg. 80)

Another reason it is difficult to forgive ourselves is that we may have surrendered ourselves to the guilt we feel and grown comfortable with it.

Even though it is destroying us, it is familiar, and we are sometimes more comfortable with what we know than with what we don’t know.

The prospect of waking up tomorrow without guilt is so foreign that we may choose to hold on to our shame. It may be depressing, but at least it is safe.

I will never forget something a friend of mine said when he, thanks to good counseling and the correction of a chemical imbalance,was beginning to come out of a long life of depression:”I don’t know how to live these days. I lived so long with my guilt that I feel strange without it. I grew accustomed to living everyday in pain, and it is hard to let go of it.”

Even though the longing of our hearts is to part with our pain, there is something in us that desires the familiar. The longer we have defined ourselves by our past, the more difficult it will be to let go of the guilt.

If we have grown accustomed to seeing the world in black and white, it will take some adjusting to get used to a world full of color again.

(Banishing the fear of future failure, pg. 80-81)

A final reason it is difficult to forgive ourselves is the fear of future failure. Because of what we have done in the past we assume that we will do the same in the future.

If we forgive ourselves, we reason, we will only make matters worse. By keeping ourselves in the prison of condemnation we hope to keep our behavior in check.

This is really a fear of freedom. to claim our forgiveness is to be free of what we have done. When we forgive ourselves we are proclaiming that we have been emancipated from our past.

If we venture into the land of freedom, we suspect that it will be a short stay. Sooner or later we will sin again, we will be forced to return to our cell. Why not save some time and just keep on condemning ourselves?

The fear of future failure is a lie that paralyzes us. Just because we did something in our past does not me we will do it in the future. There is no real reason to expect that we will repeat our past behavior, but by focusing on it we will increase the likelihood that we will. At some point we will have to confront this lie and proclaim its opposing truth: what we have done in no way must determine what we will do. If we can claim our freedom from these lies, we will be ready to begin the work of forgiving ourselves.

________________

sorry if there are some word errors, it’s early in the morning and i was typing quickly.

this book is so so refreshing to read, and inspires me the more i get into it.

there are many topics that are listed in the book with explanations and stories that make it so much more interesting and real.

i recommend this book to both a Christian believer and a skeptic.

strawberry swing- coldplay

New Year Resolutions:

1) Read the chapter of the bible each day.

2) Exercise

3) Blog everyday, or once a week/month (reflecting on lessons learned, challenges ahead).

4) Read a book, discontinue to watch t.v

5) serve in my community

I might get a new phone. Helio was bought by virgin mobile and now vm is being bought by sprint. hopefully everything works out and i'll be able to get a new number and phone with a full keyboard.
I get both inspired and discouraged by facebook! it's nice to connect with friends i hardly talk to. it's like we're friends online and i am apart of whatever they may share but it's also difficult to be reminded of the distance in both miles and absence of knowledge. when i see pictures of friends getting together, i can't help but feel sad. i want that! i want to hang out and post pictures of what a great time i had. but when i think about it, do i really want all the baggage and battles that comes with the friendship? do i really want to invest my time, love, heart and strength in something that might end or fade away?
i should blame myself for the lack of friends that i talk to because i only call other people for advice and not really care about what they are going through.
i need to prioritize my goals and i need to find out what is important to me. it would be nice to receive a phonecall once in a while instead of a text message.
found out how refreshing it is to just talk to God without hiding who i am or what i am dealing with. meaning, talking to him about my hurts and angry thoughts. my relationship with God gets more real and i don't have anything to hide. He knows everything that i did and He still loves me. and because He loved me first, i want to love him back through a life of repetance.

There is only two more days left of this quarter. Really excited for spring break but at the same time, i am worried about my english research essay. this quarter has been the most stressful because of the amount of research that you have to put in and balancing that with other homework assignments and classes. now that there's only five more days till it is due, i am can't help but regret the time i've spend worrying and wasting time when i could have done more research. even now, i am slacking so much. the fear of failure after all the stress, time, and tears it took for me to get this far, is what i want to avoid. God is so faithful and mercifull. i now appreciate the free time that i have in really making the most out of it. instead of sleeping in, i'll read a book, or go out on a walk and smell the fresh air. can't wait for this quarter to be over. but i want this paper done so i can stop worrying about it and truly say that i tried my best.

what worries me is that i might unintentionally plagiarize. it's difficult to trace your ideas back to its source. and to be confident that your idea is original and not from another person.

i am sure that when i look back at this post, i will be a better, stronger, and more grateful person that i am now. my faith makes the challenges much more smaller than they seem.

At school, I got into a deep conversation about religion and christianity with an acquaintance. Somehow a group of us started talking about marriage and then religion and Jesus. He had so many questions. It was truly amazing to hear some of the questions that I once wrestled with before my walk with Christ. I knew that I had to be very careful about what I said. When gay marriage came out of the box, I didn't know what to say. I knew that I had to say the truth, but at the same time, i didn't want my response to hinder his curiosity further into Christianity. I felt like I answered most of his questions to the best of my understanding and ability. However, he convicted me to research and get the answers myself, instead of hearing it from pastors. College, which for me, was just a place for work and study, became a place of opportunity. My heart breaks when I hear or see things that goes against Jesus' teachings. It is overwhelming when I am hit with the responsibility to share God's love and to share the gospel. I can't do it on my own. I battle with my own sins, sometimes surrendering to them and hindering my walk w. Christ. So my prayer is that I will be able to put to death my sins, be filled and guided by the Holy Spirit and grow and mature in the gospel. Not depending on my own prideful strength but to constantly talk to God through prayer.
Today was a great day. For the first time, I understand the reason for my past hurts and trails. It was to empathize and understand where a non believer is coming from. To able to relate and to offer advice.

God has been convicting me with the areas in my life that I need to change.
I want to be committed to God and accepting of his plans for me. Sometimes I have to remind myself that life is short. This is it. I get angry at myself for wasting time watching television shows and spending money on clothes when i could have read the bible or spent it on charity or a coffee for a friend. but God does not condemn, He is mighty to save. Change doesn't come over night, it takes time. I don't give thanks to God as much as i should, actually, i don't at all. I mean, i pray before i eat, sometimes, and that's it. Not when i get home safely or when i have a great day at school. Those things seem so ritualistic, so normal that giving thanks doesn't come to my mind. It is the small things that count, the things that we don't realize until it passes that we take for granted.

Kutless- It is Well album on repeat

On saturday, I came home from the library and cleaned the apartment. I had to throw away the garbage but I decided to wait because I had to pick up my mom later on. A little while later, my neighbor had to go to the hospital because the stairs collapsed as he was walking down. The constructers tore down what was left of the stairs and are rebuilding. I have never been so thankful for the sound of banging. I am so blessed by the Grace of God.
When i fall, HE lifts me up and when i feel ashamed and guilty, HE carries me.

First day of school

First day of school

School was great. Met old friends, teachers are interesting, many opportunities await.
However, a feeling of despair came over me. I felt overwhelmed and alone. I guess I am afraid that I will repeat the same mistakes twice.

I missed my mom when I got home. I needed someone to talk to, someone to tell me that it will all turn out alright as long as I try my best. But I knew that she wouldn't come home until later in the night.
So I was doing homework when I heard the keys jingle and behold, it was my mom. I was suprised because rarely does she come home this early. God is great. His Grace is sufficient and everlasting.

What keeps me going is the fact that the challenges that I face is all for the glory of God. The struggles will all pass and be done with. I have to remember to enjoy the present because one day it will become the memories I cherish in the future.

Reflection

I have faith that God has a bigger plan for me.
Too many things just fall right into place and work out for the better.
I am a person who has made too many mistakes but by the grace of God and Jesus' love, i am made new.
Overflowing,Everlasting, always and forever kind of love.