Sunday

I volunteered at my church's nursery with a friend. Without her desire of wanting to serve, it would probably have taken me a while before I brought myself to do it... with all of the deadlines and school work I have to complete. But it was a wonderful first experience to serve and be so trusted with the children. At first, I felt a little awkward, I had to adjust to the crazy, bouncing, crying, laughing, eating, sliding in the room. I kept an eye out for the young girl who is too shy to move. I was that girl once. I took her by the hand and talked to her for a little bit, asking her for her name, complimenting her cute shirt and then, I took her by the hand. There were other girls that looked about her age or a little younger, and I wanted her to meet them. But she refused, nodding her head from left to right. I tried leading her by the hand, and she didn't move. And then I thought, "hey, if that was you...would you feel comfortable approaching someone you didn't know?" and i understood that with a some support and Christ's love, i could help her get adjusted to the environment. I told her that I'll be right by her side when she made this huge decision of moving a couple of steps into the room to meet some new friends. And guess what? She followed! What an amazing feeling of joy and comfort knowing that God has revealed this moment for me to cherish what he has done and will continue to do in my life. I am like this little girl. I am scarred to move, to take chances, to meet new people, and to leave the place that I am so comfortable not doing anything in. But God knows me and has plans for me, and those things are ultimately to help mold and shape me into the person that He wants me to be. He is always with me(Isaiah 41:10, "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you;I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.")

May this promise remind me in every moment of your love for me, so that I will not remain enslaved by my sinful rebelliousness. I will trust in the LORD!

I still get angry when things don't go perfectly. When the clothes that I picked out don't fit, when a relaxing evening with family is ruined by an argument, when a loved one disappoints me. I often take my blessings for granted and wish that my parents made more money, that they would have done a better job at raising me.

But the hurt that comes with these questions, leads my heart to search for the one being who can answer them, which is God. It makes me hunger for justice, truth, honor, love and maturity. If it weren't for these unique experiences, I'd probably have wandered into a troubling relationship with an abusive boyfriend or in jail somewhere imprisoned by hatred. I'm awed at how much God has blessed me and continues to bless me even though I rebel and run away from His love and his promises. I am stunned at His grace, patience and gentleness towards what I'm going through and how he steers me to meet or come across certain people who can empathize and most importantly love me despite my adversity.

I hated the imperfection of my life, but God has showed me to be grateful for it. Because my imperfection is so definite, I hunger for God to make me perfect by adopting me into His chosen family through the blood of Jesus Christ.

it's 2011

what's my next step?

God wants great things for me and for my life to be filled with purpose and meaning, but i still don't have a major in mind and i have no sense of direction.

i'm scared of commitment and having the responsibility of paying for loans/ of something going wrong.

i pray that God will lift these worries from my heart and bring me to a state of peace and clear mindedness.

what do i do but continue to move foward with the love that God offers to me, every second.

I started reading the One year Bible (o.y.b) today.

I have a feeling and hope that this year, 2011, will be a year full of the wonderful discoveries of how much God loves me.

this awakening was mainly due to God's grace and love; and it was also due to a book written by one of His children. it's called 'Embracing the love of God by James Bryan Smith. I'm on pg.97 and i've learned so much.

While I was reading the o.y.b, i realized that right after God created adam, "the LORD God planted all sorts of trees in the garden--beautiful trees that produced delicious fruit."

then

"the LORD God said, "it is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a companion who will help him."

God wanted to shower man and woman with His Love even before they deserved it or even asked for it. He just wanted and still continues to want what's good for us, and that is to know Him and seek fellowship with Him through His Son, Jesus.

embracing the Love of God by james bryan smit

embracing the Love of God by james bryan smith

(Parting with Guilt, pg. 80)

Another reason it is difficult to forgive ourselves is that we may have surrendered ourselves to the guilt we feel and grown comfortable with it.

Even though it is destroying us, it is familiar, and we are sometimes more comfortable with what we know than with what we don’t know.

The prospect of waking up tomorrow without guilt is so foreign that we may choose to hold on to our shame. It may be depressing, but at least it is safe.

I will never forget something a friend of mine said when he, thanks to good counseling and the correction of a chemical imbalance,was beginning to come out of a long life of depression:”I don’t know how to live these days. I lived so long with my guilt that I feel strange without it. I grew accustomed to living everyday in pain, and it is hard to let go of it.”

Even though the longing of our hearts is to part with our pain, there is something in us that desires the familiar. The longer we have defined ourselves by our past, the more difficult it will be to let go of the guilt.

If we have grown accustomed to seeing the world in black and white, it will take some adjusting to get used to a world full of color again.

(Banishing the fear of future failure, pg. 80-81)

A final reason it is difficult to forgive ourselves is the fear of future failure. Because of what we have done in the past we assume that we will do the same in the future.

If we forgive ourselves, we reason, we will only make matters worse. By keeping ourselves in the prison of condemnation we hope to keep our behavior in check.

This is really a fear of freedom. to claim our forgiveness is to be free of what we have done. When we forgive ourselves we are proclaiming that we have been emancipated from our past.

If we venture into the land of freedom, we suspect that it will be a short stay. Sooner or later we will sin again, we will be forced to return to our cell. Why not save some time and just keep on condemning ourselves?

The fear of future failure is a lie that paralyzes us. Just because we did something in our past does not me we will do it in the future. There is no real reason to expect that we will repeat our past behavior, but by focusing on it we will increase the likelihood that we will. At some point we will have to confront this lie and proclaim its opposing truth: what we have done in no way must determine what we will do. If we can claim our freedom from these lies, we will be ready to begin the work of forgiving ourselves.

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sorry if there are some word errors, it’s early in the morning and i was typing quickly.

this book is so so refreshing to read, and inspires me the more i get into it.

there are many topics that are listed in the book with explanations and stories that make it so much more interesting and real.

i recommend this book to both a Christian believer and a skeptic.